A day off

I was awake long before the alarm rang. Thinking about stuff. Also with a sharp pain in my left side. I have a terrible bed and that happens from time to time. I sort of fix the problem by putting a small pillow under my lower back. It straightens the spine and I feel better. Don’t fall back asleep though. I just can’t. once I am fully awake it is very hard to. I think about things. Sometimes just let the mind wonder on its own and I am surprised to see where it goes. I try to form a series thought: how to distribute time for the day’s tasks. They are not many and are pretty simple. Plenty of tome to do absolutely nothing in between them. I think about how the postman brought the TV-guide I am subscribed to school and they lost it. Not that I use it that much. But I did not like to ask them for it. Especially when I see their puzzled looks. What am I talking about? Or the leave-me-alone-, -I- have-more-important-things-to-do-than-keep-track-of-your-things look. I had an arrangement with the postman. He leaves the magazine at the post office, when it arrives on Wednesday, and I go pick it up on Friday. Simple as that.

Because it is Monday morning, a car drives up the road at 6.25 then down five minutes later. Don’t know why, I am assuming to pick somebody up. Or something. Anyway, it is like clockwork – every Monday, same hour.

Then an alarm clock rings and my sister turns on the TV at 6.30.  My alarm is supposed to ring at 6. 45. Who cares? I lazily rise from the bed. Sit on the edge for a few minutes. Eyes closed, half closed, almost wide open. No hurry. It is funny that after waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to g back to sleep, five minutes before you have to wake up your body suddenly decides it is a good idea to start wanting to sleep. Happens every time. Not much we can do about it.

Soon, I hurry a lot because I have got a bus to catch. Big day today. I moved my classes to Thursday so I can have a full free day. And not see anyone I don’t want to see. Which is pretty much everybody I know. it is my day and I want to spend it the way I like it. Free of everyone. Only happens once a year. Am I asking for too much? … thought so.

In any case, the plan is the following: go to the city, go to depot outside town to check out building materials for repairing roof, find at said depot interesting plants and take them with you, or just seeds, go shopping in supermarket no. 1 and leave the bags in one of the luggage boxes so I don’t have to carry them with me all over town (they are heavy), go to supermarket no. 2 and 3, and return with luggage to no. 1 then go back to wandering the town for other things on the list. In the end, return in the vicinity of no. 1 and go to the dentist. Hurray!! Day is almost over, can go home now.

Did all those things, in that order. It was very wearisome. All worth it.

Did I mention it is my b-day?  Well, it was, on the day of the trip. Did I mention I wanted to not see anyone on that day? I didn’t. sort of. In no. 1 I met a former student. She finished highschool last year. She was in my favorite class ever. There will be no other groups of people I will like more. I was in the gardening section looking at some plants. Didn’t see her. She saw me. Otherwise I would have never seen her . I am so careless sometimes. All the time. It was nice to see her, especially because she had no idea about the b-day thing. I do keep it a secret. Oh got, it would’ve been so awkward for me. She would have had to tell me happy b-day and I would have had to say something in return. Like it happened today. It feels so wrong. Don’t know why, I am just wired that way. It was a nice surprise. She said it herself, the next day, when she learned the secret. I may have released the date on fb. Hence the influx of “Happy b-days” during the day. (Mom is my friend on fb and she followed the event from home. She was more excited about it than I was, I think. Oohh, all those people wishing me stuff.. such an important event. (sounded very mean in my head, don't know if I sent that in writing as well) ) That is why the secret was no longer a secret but at least I didn’t have to interact directly with any of them. Naturally, I thanked everyone – it was like a duty that needed to be done a.s.a.p. I get this problem with all my social networks interactions. If someone comments, I need to answer somehow. It is a duty. It is common sense. It is being polite.

Listening to Sia right now. My sis’s has her playing. Not really helping with my writing.

Anyway…

Remember when I said I really want a Ficus Benjamina? I was hoping to find one on my trip. Hope dies last. You also know how things never go according to plan and instead of a Benjamina you end us buying an exquisite Phalenopsis orchid. They were just sitting there, winking at me with those eyes of them. I just couldn’t resist. I have had orchids before and I love them. Now I wonder if I should give up my idea of the second ficus. It does take up a lot of space which I do not have. Then again, many of my plants take up a lot of space I do not have.

 

I was mighty glad to talk to an old college mate of mine. Also via fb. (I suppose it is good for something after all, it is just poorly used by limited people) Haven’t seen her in five years. I would not have wanted to see her face to face because that entails many touchy-feely formalities and I was never like that. Everybody knows it. I just don’t know how to respond, that is all.

First and eight of march is coming up so, naturally, the market and all shops were full of spring tokens. Those little objects with a red and white string tied in a bow. I made some myself this year, in needlepoint. Will give to some of my co-workers, bosses. I rarely do things like this and it felt stupid to buy stupid looking tokens when I am perfectly capable to make amazing ones. From my point of view , anyway.

I walked a lot on Monday. The dentist’s appointment was at 4 in the afternoon and I walked from 8.30 am to 3.45 pm. With those brief ten minutes at the depot when I got something to eat and sat down at the table. Those people have really good food. That chicken schnitzel with cabbage salad was amazing. And it kept my hunger at bay all day because, like an idiot, I forgot to eat before going in at the dentist even if I knew I would not be allowed to eat for two hours after she finished with me. (some drilling into a pair of teeth that need to be covered with fake teeth. First, she has to clean the dead parts and it will take a while to do that right. No matter, I don’t know why but I love it. The drilling is a bit unpleasant because it shakes everything in your head but…)

I spent half an hour before the bus came reading and interesting story by E. Caldwell. Rachel. Did not see that ending coming.

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Every year it gets stranger and stranger to me, this day.

The other day, one of my former teachers, now co-worker, asked me ho old I am. I told her I will be 29 soon and she said it is a beautiful age, that I am still young and it is nice.

The problem is, I do not feel young. I never have. There was a time when I was young, when my body was, at any rate. My mind, however, rarely felt it.

I don’t know why. It just doesn't. I do not claim superior wisdom from an early age. Heaven knows, I am yet to achieve that, if ever, but I never felt the same like my classmates in school. I was never attracted to things that should attract a young mind.

I was never young to begin with...

Sounds terribly depressing , doesn’t it?

Well, it is. To some extent. I don’t see why we celebrate the passing of another year of our existence. It is only one step closer to our death, not that people should think about this very often, and a reminder that another year has passed without doing something meaningful with our lives.

I have this neighbor, former classmate of mine, whose father is obsessed about having a lot of animals. And by animals I do not mean a few chicken but lots of cows, pigs and a useless horse. She has to do all the work with those animals, feed them, clean the stalls, give them water, and between these activities must also cook a thousand courses a day because eating the same thing twice in  the same day will kill you. She tells me all this , every single day. One can say we are the only people she can talk to openly about it, to unload a day’s worth of misery. Then, like clockwork, every year in July she celebrates her b-day inviting most of the neighbors and some members of the family from the village. I am not sure how much this occasion makes her happy but she will never not celebrate and I do not understand why.

I have stopped marking this day publicly along time ago and the less people know about it, the better. I am not sure my former classmate remembers the date. She would have said something. I am terribly fortunate this year that I won’t have to meet anyone who might know. All the people I met on Monday were either strangers or ones that had no idea.

I bought a few cakes to share with my mom and my sister when I got home. And a bottle of sangria - a compromise for not finding my favorite wine. I don't know what is happening but I am unable to find it for months. it is beginning to get on my nerves, this situation. So this is how I celebrated. it was enough. Moving on.

Working at a school, I get to meet a lot of young humans and it has been a great opportunity to observe them , to learn things about what it is like to be young like them. It frightens me at times when I realize I was never like that. What I am is really good at pretending to be something I am not. It is the only way to survive in my world. For now, anyway. Times change. We must evolve with them and that is not easy for someone who would prefer to turn back time to an age where things were …. I don’t know  what to say here.  I was going to say ‘easier’ but things were never easy. In the world of humans, things are never simple. If they turn out to be simple, humans will make sure they will not be for long.

 On the other hand, the same working with people has given me an opportunity to learn to be a better member of the society, to learn to behave, to be, to interact with other people. I think... not sure it produces many results because there are very few people in this world I like and admire. Very, very few. 

My phone battery was almost dying when I got on the bus so I put on my headphones and let Loreena McKennit drive my imagination to wherever it wanted to go. I was awake the whole ride, to my surprise. I was holding the orchid in my arms because I didn't want it to fall and get hurt. As the bus came out of town, on top of a hill ,I saw the moon and I remembered it was full today. I watched it all the way thinking the were-creatures would be out and about if they existed.

Then I fell asleep almost immediately after I got into bed, a few hours later, after watching The Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, which only reminded me humans are horrible. They can be good too, however, so there is some hope.
 

Randomness

I went to the county capital a few days ago with my mom. She was going to go alone because she felt it was time to visit her favorite hairdresser for a trim and a curl or two. I was gonna go later in the week because I needed to pay the internet and phone bill. I know what you’re thinking, I can do that online. Yes, I could. But I don’t want to. It is one of my excuses to go to the city once in a while. It is bad enough that I started ordering plants online. In my defense, most of those bulbs cannot be found in a regular shop. Nor can the seeds. I do a lot on online shopping for plants but when I need a pot, a saucer or hope to find that ficus Benjamina I want, I need to go myself, to touch the pots, to feel them, to talk to the old lady selling her interesting plants at the market and ask her about them , about  what they need to thrive. There’s a feeling of assurance when you learn things directly from a person who experienced them  first-hand.

In the end, I asked mom to take me with her, like old times. When I was little , she had to go to the city many times because her work at school required it. I would sometimes beg to be dragged with her, I would patiently wait until she finished the important stuff then we went shopping. The best memory, though, was getting up early in the morning, at 4.30 to catch the 5.00 bus (hated it then, I hate it now), going on the smelly bus and stopping a few dozen meters away from a pastry shop. It was about 6 when we arrived, the place was just opening and the still steaming sweet cheese pie and the whipped yoghurt simply melted in my mouth. It has been years since I had one of those dream breakfasts. Unfortunately, the place is now closed. The building abandoned.

While mom went to the hairdresser,  I went to a store outside town to get a ceramic pot, in the shape of a somewhat large coffee cup, I had seen the week before and could not stop thinking about it. I know exactly what I will plant in it. Then, I wondered the market until I found the perfect cloth for kitchen curtains. I have been looking for that for a long, long time. Cannot wait to start cutting and sewing. All handmade, the way I like things.

Waiting for the bus, I remembered the old times when there were only three of four busses that ran towards home in a day. Because they were rare,  and people seemed to rely more on them in the past, on account of not having cars, it was an adventure to get a good seat in that bus. And by good seat I mean any seat at all. People crowded at the door and tried to get all at the same time inside, carrying  huge bags of shopping. Mom always told me to keep close but I would always get lost in the crowd because people don’t really care a child could get squished between them as long as they get a spot on the bus, be it standing or seating. After the big battle, mom came to get me and everything was fine. We stood all the way to or from the city many times, though. Because the busses were already full when it came into the station. Ahhh. Good times. I survived them. Didn’t make me like humans any more than I already don’t.

If I could, I would choose to live in a remote area where your closest neighbor is at least a few kilometers away from your house. Perhaps I have had a bad experience with people so far. It is rather far fetched, though, because that would mean all people are bad and I refuse to believe that.  I know it is not true because I have met a few that are really, really nice. I don’t particularly want to spend much time with them , however, because I would not know how to behave properly around them. I think. I like the thought that they exist, that hope lives on in spite of the mean world I am looking at right now. The same mean world that made that pastry shop go out of business. The same mean world that thinks a cat trapped in a store for two weeks,  is a funny thing (like the news I saw the other day on TV). There is nothing funny about dying of starvation. Why don’t they try it, for a change?
I can’t do that unfortunately. I have to share fences with horrible people who do  not  even speak to us. There isn’t much I can say about tit without turning to profanity. I don’t use profane words, ever. I replace them with regular words and use the tone for swearing. I just cannot bring myself to use such words. Don’t know why. There was a time when I did. I was little, I was a feisty little thing and then, who knows when, everything changed. I just couldn’t do it anymore. I suppose I cannot do or say something to someone I do not want done or said to me by someone else. It is a very good rule. Too few people  follow it.

I digress. A lot.

When I came home, on that day, do not recall the exact circumstances, I remembered someone I know saying how cute her sister’s kids are. And I wondered. How can people find children cute? I cannot stand looking at them, I hate it when they touch me, I hate it even more when they are trying to be affectionate. It is said they can feel one’s love. Why can’t they tell I do not want anything to do with them? I would much rather pet a dirty old duck.

I don’t mind people as long as they keep a safe distance.

With that in mind, I look forwards to my next visit into town. They have been building all sorts of useful places in my hometown, like the much needed proper vet's office or the recently opened plants' pharmacy but nothing compared to a visit to the big town where I can find almost everything I want /need. That is why I look forward to my next visit on Monday. a lot of plant related shopping and a visit to the dentist that I am actually excited about.